Monday, March 17, 2008

Doesn't Giving Credit (Where Credit is Due) Mean Someone Has to Pay the Bill...

All jokes aside, though...

I had a little chat with Chris on Friday about what he said last week and how I felt about it. Chris, again, has proved that intelligence and wisdom are NOT the same thing. He claims - and I mostly believe him - that he wasn't trying to make me feel bad, or denigrate my efforts. He also said that he had already decided, before I walked in the door, that he wasn't going to say anything to me at all if it didn't look like I'd lost some weight, which he said I did, so he did.

"Everyone in this group is so sensitive about their weight," he bemoaned. "It's really hard to say anything..."

"Yes, it is," I said. There really isn't any point in continuing down that line of thought. It's a sensitive issue. In our circle of friends, there's like two thin people, and at least one of those still thinks she's too heavy. And we've all got our emotional baggage.

In any case, I forgive him for being socially inept from time to time, and move on with it. Of course, I really had to tell Carol at that point. It's one thing when it's a secret from most people, and totally different when it's "she's the only one who doesn't know."

So, I did that pretty promptly at Saturday's cook out; explaining that it was probably entirely in my head, and that I'd built it up to be a big deal, but that I didn't expect it would matter much to her, etc etc. And with her own family issues, and her daughter showing up diabetic, I didn't think it was a good time to crow about the fact that my A1C this year was 4.7. (Last year it was 6.2) And I mentioned that sometimes there were just bad mental places for me, and I remembered how cross she gets when she's dieting, and that I didn't want to deal with that while I was trying to get established in a new habit, etc etc.

She said almost exactly what I thought she would. "Hmmm. Well, that's good for you." Long pause. "I should probably lose some weight. I've been doing some stress eating after this thing with Anne. I don't really want to eat when she's around, and the other day and I ate four Snickers bars in a row." I'm really good at not screaming out loud when I'm raging in my head. Just so you know that.

It's fine if she wants to lose weight. Or just eat better than she has been. What I want here is for her to want it because she wants it, you know? Not as a direct response to something I'm doing. Carol and I have been happy being fat together, you know. We're comfortable with it in a way that it's often hard for one heavy girl to be comfortable in a group of skinny women. It's certainly easier being overweight when you're not the only one who stands out. Thus it comes in with the subconscious sabotage. If we're comfortable with our weight, but only when the other person is also fat, we become uncomfortable with the idea of them losing weight. It's pretty vicious.

However, she accepted it in relatively good spirits, and while some things she's said in her blog today make me think she's been brooding about it since Saturday... that's not my problem. I'll be as supportive of her as I can be, but I can't change her life. She needs to decide if she wants to do that.

So, that's that, I guess. I did really well, points wise, being surrounded by grilled food (including some of the biggest goddamn hot dogs I've ever seen), but there weren't many vegetable options, (and no cheese, which annoys me because I'd thought about bringing our cheese slices and then decided not to) so I had to eat an enormous salad when I got home to help cover my base 8. I'll have to remember that for next time.

I've been having some trouble with my clothes recently; which is to say that most of what I own are sizes 24-26 and I have one pair of jeans that are 18W, which I've been wearing every day. I've been putting off buying any new clothes, though.

Thomas finally glared at me the other day. "Look at it this way... if you'd gained weight and nothing fit anymore, we'd be getting you some new clothes, right?"

"Well, that's a comfort issue," I hedged. "My too-big clothes still do their job of covering all the important bits."

"Come here," he crooked a finger at me. I hesitated, as this did not sound at all encouraging. He grabbed hold of my jeans, just below the hips, and tugged. Rather promptly, without unbuttoning, they came down. "Do you really want that to happen while we're out doing the grocery shopping?"

So, we got a few new clothes. A pair of jeans, a pair of capris, two shirts, and a hoodie. I absolutely drooled over one shirt but couldn't quite justify paying $50 for a low-quality t-shirt.

It was sort of odd, since I'm used to shopping at Lane Bryant, Catherine's and Torrid, this realization that I was not the heaviest lady in the room... Shopgirls ask me what my size is, and I say "I don't know, really, I've lost some weight." are eyeballing me and saying "You look like a 1 or 2, to me." Admittedly, Torrid and Lane Bryant have recently re-done their sizes to attach smaller numbers to their pants. It can get depressing to wear a 26. A 7 sounds so much better.

On the other hand, this means I'm skating close to the edge of falling out of being able to shop at Torrid or Lane Bryant. Which is also strange.


Hanlie said...

Ah, but it's a kind of strange I'll take any day! Well done!

Anonymous said...

I think it's AWESOME that you got some new clothes! It's frustrating to buy clothes that you know you won't wear for that long...but I think it's so important to have nice things that you feel good about wearing - it makes you feel SO good about all the hard work you've done, and all the success you've had. Whoo-hoo!

I think you friend Chris sounds a little...okay, he sounds like a guy. :-) Had he started his comments off with, "You look great" or something similar, it would have been so much better. But so often guys just don't think about that kind of stuff...

I think you are very insightful as to the situation with Carol. You seem to have really put your finger on the problem and you have a great outlook. If she wants to get healthy, then that is wonderful, but you can't ever do it for someone else or because someone else is doing it or thinks you should. That is a battle she will have to fight, and I have to congratulate you for distancing yourself and your own journey from that. It's very easy to be sabotaged without realizing it...but I think you're very aware and smart about it. :-)

It would be very frustrating and I think you should pat yourself on the back for staying calm about it. Kudos!

Have a great week!


c-dizzle said...

you go girl! tell you what, i think we should all start a cloths swap, i have to pair of 18's that can be pulled down without unbuttoning, and i have been hanging on to them, because like you said, they cover the important parts! but, i really need to move on and embrase my inner size 16. so, if you would like me to mail you the jeans, let me know. i would love to start a swap, that way while we are all on this journey we don't have to spend a ton on cloths that fit at each stage of this process. i am like you, i don't want to spend the money on cloths that will not fit in a few months. also, it is great that you are realizing how hard it is to be losing weight when you have a good friend that is not in the same place as you with the weight loss. you never know when your journey may inspire her to get healthier, and that may just save her life one day. so, keep coming here, surround yourself with people who "get it" and support you. you are doing a great thing! keep up the great work!