Tuesday, August 4, 2009

That's It, I QUIT

Before you panic, or send out the Intervention Police.... relax.

I'm just quitting in the attempt to lose more weight to see a goal number that I'm not going to reach.

I'm well within my band (Weight Watchers pegs me at an ideal weight of 113 at the lowest to 141 at the highest, so 134 is towards the top end of the middle) and have been for quite some time. I hit 140 pounds in the end of April, which put me at "normal" weight on the (oh so infallible...) BMI scale.

Ok, so when I started this journey, I wanted to around 93-94 pounds. I've lost 85 and a half.

I'm at a normal weight BMI (and since I'm NOT a hyper athlete and do NOT have dense bone structure, I'm going to go with BMI as a rating since I don't know a better way to do it, since at 5'3", I don't want to weigh what COSMO thinks I should, which is like 90 pounds for your first five feet and 5 pounds for each inch after that, which would have me at 105, and that is just too damn skinny for me, thankyouverymuch.) for my height. Something like 23.6. (The Wii Fit tells me that people with a BMI of 22 are the most healthy, but ya know, the Wii Fit can insert some unpleasant things into its battery compartment.)

I'm certainly physically fit. I can do 100 pushups, 200 squats, bench press 75 pounds, do 190 situps, walk 18 miles, run 1 mile, go for over an hour on the elliptical at a pace of 144 strides per minute, do two assisted pullups (my friends from New Jersey keep insisting I try it whenever we're at the gym at the same time, and they help... I wonder sometimes if it's because Paul likes to put his hands on my legs... ah well, whatever, it's kinda fun anyway...)

I'm in a size 6 (or a 4, depending on the cut of the clothes.) When I started this and "mathed it out", I was prediciting I'd be in a size 8 when I reached goal. I don't mind being a size 6. My shirts are mediums and smalls. My dresses are mediums. I look good in my clothes. I'm wearing high heels for the first time... well, ever, really. My shoes are a size 6.5.

What more do I want out of this whole weight loss journey?

The things I want; to feel good about my body, to have a flat stomach, and to not slouch over like my grandmother (and father), are not things that I'm going to achieve by getting to some idealized waist size, or scale number. Those are things I'm going to get by toning, practice, and well, just stopping being such a self-hating pain in the ass.

Also, I'm stuck.

On June 15th, I weighed in at 134 (with a huge, five pound drop...). Yesterday? 133.4. That's right. In the last eight weeks, I have lost... a whole, whopping .6 pounds. I go up, I go down. I lose a pound, I gain a pound and a half. I lose half a pound, I gain .4. I'm tired and annoyed and frustrated. I'm tired of hating myself for every little splurge and bite of food that I eat.

(And it's NOT like I'm splurging on a bag of chips every day... this week's treats were; 7 fried cheese sticks, a piece of pita bread, half a pint of hot and sour soup, and 3 mushu pork rolls... That's. IT. On top of that, I gave blood, so I should have LOST a pound this week... I mean, really, they took a pound of fluid out of me, I should have lost weight... and I didn't.)


I was joking with my weight loss leader last night... the rules for getting to Lifetime is declaring goal and then going 6 weeks and being with 2 pounds below or above your goal weight. (Which means in the next six weeks, I need to weigh between 132 and 136 pounds) So, my joke was that after having been 8 weeks at almost exactly the same weight, declaring maintenance would cause me to unexpectedly drop 5 pounds and I'd have to start over.

This... would not bother me one bit.

I am healthier. And while I know, I know, I know... this journey is about health, not about my shorts size or some imaginary number on the scale, I do feel slightly stung about giving up, nine pounds away from my goal.

And yet, it's time to get the hell over myself.

I have achieved what I set out to achieve. I am healthier. I am at a lower risk for breast cancer, diabetes, and other health complications. My asthma is well under control. I am in a normal weight category.

I am done.

At least with this stage....

Next station; Maintenance.


debby said...

Good for you! I do think its better to 'give up' and maintain a reasonable weight than to keep torturing ourselves to get to a weight lower than our body wants to be at, and then have to agonize over every bite that goes into our mouth!

I am astounded at your list of what you can do exercise-wise!

big_mummy said...

In that case.... Congratulations for getting to your goal!!!!! awesome, well done!!! really the weight you are is really small (to me) and size 6 being a medium leaves me baffled but whatever!!! WELL DONE!

Anonymous said...

Good for you for seeing that you have achieved something real, not some fictionalized number on an unreachable scale!

Jeanne said...



I am SO SO proud of you, hon!

Congrats on declaring goal. :)

(And, no wonder the entire modelling world is anorexic. Sheesh.)

.... said...

Wow, you have just done an amazing job.

Best wishes for maintenance - you can do it!

Congrats on all the strength & health goals you've reached - those are so important!


KK @ Running Through Life said...

Sometimes we do have to reevaluate our goals! Congrats to you1!!

Hanlie said...

Well done for reaching your body's goal weight! You have been an amazing inspiration throughout your journey (I followed from the start) and I know you will continue to be through your maintenance.

I found that Pilates greatly improved my posture - I also used to stoop.

Cosmo wants me to weigh 140 pounds? I'd have to amputate some body parts - my goal is about 170-175! That's quite a difference!

45+ and Aspiring said...

Good for you for QUITTING! What a great stage to be in! Congratulations!!

Journo June aka MamaBear said...

You ROCK! Congrats on reaching maintenance. I adjusted my goal weight up by 10 pounds, too. That Cosmo scale is TOTALLY ridiculous. You sound like you are at a great size for your height. Here's to real women with real figures! ;-)
Path to Health

Miz said...

I LOVE the 'its time to get the hell over myself' sentence.

hardhard to write Im sure but you nailed it with that one.

and it's almost get the hell out of your own damn way so you CAN maintain and start all the other adventures youre meant to be doing.

Losing it in Vegas said...

Congrats on reaching your goal! It amazes me when we set out, we pick a number...for whatever reasons...and then we try to kill ourselves to get there. If you are healthy at your weight, and content, go with it.

Kimberly said...

That is awesome! You are a size 6? I would quit too if I were a size 6.

I am not trying to get to some insane arbitrary statistic either. I am shooting for a size 12 - that is a nice, normal size and I won't have to kill myself to get there either.

Mary said...

I think you are right! With self-love it won't matter what your size is. You have surely achieved what you set out to achieve!!
I think it takes a lot of courage (and good self-esteem) to come to peace with your body and I hope you get there too :)

Cammy@TippyToeDiet said...

An amazing accomplishment! You look awesome and it's obvious from your posts that you're feeling good physically. Now, it's time to let the rest of it come to you.