Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Not a Race

Weight loss is not a race.

Weight loss is not a race.

Weight loss is not a race.

Weight loss is not a race.

Weight loss is not a race.

Which is a good thing, right?

I lost .6 this week. I'm beginning to hate these little trickling losses... especially when Thomas loses 3 pounds. And Leslie loses over 8 pounds. I feel.... I feel like a cheat. Even thought I'm not cheating. I've never had an 8 pound loss, not even the very first week I was on WW. And I don't cheat and I don't fudge and I don't eat three desserts on Saturday.

Thomas, me, and Leslie all earned new stars this week; I got my 40, Thomas got his 45, and Leslie pushed her loss to just over 50 pounds. (She only got 1 star, though, since she'd gotten over 45 before, and gained some back.) I know I shouldn't feel bad about this. I know. I KNOW. (And I know Leslie gives me that cockeyed look about it, especially since she is rapidly approaching 18 months on WWs.)

And I know, a loss is a loss, and I should be happy.

Please, don't make the mistake of thinking I don't know this.

I'm not even talking about that; I'm so over that.

What I'm not over is my attitude and why it sucks. I can't figure it out. I'm doing really well. My loss is about 1.4 pounds a week, I'm fairly consistently losing... If I can keep this pace up, I'll be under 150 pounds by the end of the year. None of these are bad things.

And yet, I seem to always feel like I suck, like I could do more, try harder, be more positive, whatever. And the fact that I'm just not always makes me feel worse.

I know there are people out there who would kill for the sort of weight loss I'm having, who are probably rolling their eyes at me even now and saying "My gawd, where does this woman get off?" (Ok, so my detractors are probably not from New Jersey, but I always hear that mental "gawd....")

The whole weight loss thing is partially a head game, and my head is just not in the game. It's off sulking on the sidelines and kicking dust at the umpire. I have trouble maintaining a good attitude, and it's not like I don't try... I'm sort of doing the "fake it 'til you make it" routine. I try to talk a good game, and I don't think Thomas knows that I spend entirely too much time stewing in self-loathing.

It's so stupid, and I think that's what's even more annoying about it. It's that I know I'm being an idiot, which just makes me feel more like an idiot. 'Round and 'round the mulberry bush.

I don't feel good about myself, and then I feel mad at myself for not feeling good about myself. And then I say "That is so stupid..." which is not helping.

I need to get the hell over myself.... and I started to say it wouldn't even take a stepladder, more like a step-stool, but that's pretty self-hating too, you know. I'm continually belittling my own mental efforts.

My weigh in was good. (mine, belonging to me, regardless of what anyone else did.)

My weigh in was good. (any loss is a good loss. I got new bling and I'm closer to my goal.)

My weigh in was good. (Yes, it was. And it is. 40 pounds in 29 weeks is damn good.)

My weigh in was good. (And even if the numbers are not impressive, which they are, I'm learning every day about how to eat and what to eat, and I'm not splurging randomly on crap.)

Fake it 'til ya make it.

My weigh in was good. I am doing good. I am doing good and healthy things for my body. I am getting healthier. I am getting more fit. I am getting better looking. I deserve this.


Anonymous said...

Seriously, this whole weight loss thing, at least for me, is 30% physical and 70% mental!! And it does turn you into a mental case! You are so no alone with the self loathing.

One day I'll wake up and be all "Woo Hoo, look at me, I'm doing good!", then like a light switch being flipped, I'll see a sideways glance at myself in a window, and just want to go back in bed, pull over the covers, and curl up with a box of oreos. Especially, if I didn't see a significant loss that week. I start to think its all been for nothing.

But we have to somehow get over the negative sabotage we induce on ourselves!

Its frustrating, when we think its so easy for others to lose weight. I read some peoples blogs, and I am so jealous at their weigh ins! But in all honesty, they are struggling just as much as we are.

What you wrote is so true, "Fake it 'til ya make it". I love that!! And thats just exactly what we have to do.

(sorry this comment was so long...rambled a bit) =)

Anonymous said...

Congratulation on your progress on your weight loss journey. 40 pounds in 29 week is very good. I agree. You have much to be proud of.

Anonymous said...

Yes, you do deserve it & you're doing great! Have a good week!

Anonymous said...

you are you are you do.
you are you are you do.
you are you are you do.
you are you are you do.
you are you are you do.


Cammy@TippyToeDiet said...

Well, congrats on the new bling, anyway. :)

The thing I see when I read your blog is that you do love yourself. You love yourself enough to put yourself through all of this emotional upheaval to be healthy and strong. You love yourself enough to risk ridicule, scorn, and contempt by sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. You love yourself enough to stay on the path (or at least in sight of it) despite the difficulties. I could go on and on, but it's HYC check in and I have 1,417 blogs to read. But can you see what I see? Even a little bit?

Anonymous said...

Good timing on this post. I have been a bit discouraged by the slow down in my rate of loss (even though I know a good bit of it has to do with the holiday binge). It was nice to be reminded that this isn't a race and, more importantly, there are other people in it with me.

Manuela said...

I know exactly how you feel. No matter how well you're doing, yes, you are disappointed and think it could be better!

But, keep telling yourself that I'm doing good mantra and it will negate the other stuff.

Can I say that I love the line about how your imaginary detractors are from New Jersey? I laughed out loud at that one!

ptg said...

I agree three thousand percent - the weight loss journey is incredibly mental, and more than we ever thought it could be. I always feel that I could push harder, do more, excel just a little teensy more and then, maybe THEN I would see that kind of loss.

So, I understand.

Great job on 40lb in 29 week though - that's absolutely fantastic!

Journo June aka MamaBear said...

Great job on losing the 40lbs! That is awesome. Keep the negative voices at bay! ;-)
Path to Health

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I am so happy to be near the 30 pound lost mark. However, since I have been here for a month or so...it is getting to me now.

The healthy lifestyle stuff is hard work. Keeping the motivation is what I have been struggling with the most the past 6 weeks. But I am feeling good now.

The psyche does wacky things to us when we are trying to lose weight. Why is that?

Anonymous said...

Amen to all of the above. Especially that last paragraph. And I completely agree that sometimes you just gotta fake it till you make it. I wish there were a better way but if there is, I haven't found it.

Still...I'm proud of you. It's very easy to give in to the negativity even when you recognize it as such, but you just keep battling it. Even when you're at your lowest, I've never heard you sound like giving up.

So way to go. You totally deserve it.