Monday, February 16, 2009

Eight is Enough

Aside from my wedding dress (in which I looked liked a silk and seed-pearl wrapped marshmallow) I have never owned clothing more expensive than the stuff I am wearing today.

I am wearing a teal blue silk overshirt ($59.99), a nude cami top ($19.50), and skinny-leg pair of Mia jeans ($69.50) with a pair of black wingtip-style heels ($29.95). I'm also wearing a belt ($12.99). It's not a belt I have any need for, mind you. My jeans are new, and a size 8. There's no way I need a belt to hold my pants up. I'm wearing a tiny, patent leather belt around my shirt. As a decoration.

I am wearing a $200 outfit.

I didn't even spend that much money on a prom dress. (In high school, I was required to buy my own prom dresses out of a $15 a week allowance that also had to cover my school lunches, books, and outtings. I hit the sale racks for prom dresses... I think I spent a grand total of $25 for my senior prom gown.)

Last year, I wouldn't even have looked at a silk shirt. I used to sweat, constantly, even in air-conditioned rooms when I wasn't doing anything. A silk shirt would have been a waste of money. Not to mention the fact that I don't think they make silk shirts in an XXXL.

My ass is crammed into a pair of skinny-legged, $70 jeans. Sized 8. You know, two weeks ago when I got my first pair of 8's, I was... trying to talk myself down of them, you know. Oh, well, of course it's a size 8. I got them at TJ Maxx, and you know, that's a discount store, so regardless of what the tag says, they're probably not a size 8. And you know, they're a relaxed fit.

But these are size 8 from Express. Express. Which carries size 0. Where the sales-staff are all no larger than 4s. Who talk about "Oh, well, these sweaters are sized a little small. I mean, usually I wear an XS, but for this cardigan, I needed a small...." (I shit you not, my favorite sales girl said that two weeks ago when I bought a lovely paint-splatter patterned sweater in a Large... there are realms left in the skinny fashion industry in which I daresay I will never be more than a casual explorer. If nothing else, I still have boobs.)

And what, you might ask, am I doing in a $200 outfit?

I've been asking myself the same question.

I have. No. Earthly. Clue.

Sometimes I think I have a weird sort of reverse fat-girl vision. I know a lot of women have problems realizing just how big they've gotten. I remember talking with a friend back when she started Weight Watchers and she said to me, "I used to comfort myself with this idea; that at least I wasn't a hundred pounds overweight. And then I got on the scale." Turns out, when she wasn't paying attention, she had gotten to that arbitrary line of what was acceptable and what wasn't. (For her. Those lines are different for everyone.)

I have the opposite problem.

I can't see myself as thin. Or even normal. I still look in the mirror and see fat expanding in all directions.

I keep trying to find excuses about why I should be able to fit into a size 8 pair of pants. (See my above rationalization about the pair I got at TJ Maxx...)

I've lost 70 pounds. I'm (according to the Wii Fit; which has become my cross to bear, and yes, I still jump on the damn thing every morning.. and I might add, I had a discussion with Thomas yesterday about how much 20oz of water weighs, and could I legitimately blame that on a 1 pound weight gain? The answer to that is, YES. A 20 ounce bottle of water weighs ~1.3 POUNDS. So if I drank a whole 20oz bottle right before jumping on the scale, yes, the scale's going to pick that up...) about 5 pounds away from being a normal weight for my height. (On the high edge of normal, admittedly, but a BMI of 25 is "normal". The Wii says I weighed 146 this morning. To get to a BMI of 25, I need to weigh 141.)

I keep waiting for that lightbulb moment...

Really... you'd think eight would be enough.


Lynn said...

That body image thing. Don't we all suffer from it? I know I do as well...from both extremes...when I was a size 8 in the past, I still felt HUGE...then when I started to gain and gain and gain, I would look at myself and think that I didn't look like I weighed as MUCH as the scale said.

It is a constant battle for so many of us! I hope you find that light bulb moment...because YOU are arriving at your goal and should feel SO GOOD about it!

Shelley said...

Wow...just wow. How fun to buy such gorgeous clothes and look so good in them!

Hanlie said...

You look fabulous!

Jen, a priorfatgirl said...

wow, you look AMAZING!!!

I'm at 90lbs lost and struggle every minute of every day to see myself as anything other then fat. It's totally unexplainable, the feelings we have. There is no way to describe what it is that we see. like you, I look in the mirror and don't see "skinny"

Cammy@TippyToeDiet said...

This picture and post brought me to the sniffling point. You look soooo amazing, and you've accomplished so much. You know I understand the body image thing, but I'm convinced we can defeat it too.

And I'm not the least bit envious that you still have breasts and that you look great in a belt. Not the least bit. :)

Natalia said...

You are doing so great! Size freakin 8 jeans. Woo hoo! :)

* said...

You look great, the outfit looks great! Enjoy the size eight and try not to think about thinness (easier said than done I know). Hopefully the body image will come as you get use to the fact that you have done SO well. (I'm not there yet so just hoping, for it to come and for that to work that way ;-) )

Unknown said...

Hello! I came across your blog and wanted to let you know I am really enjoying it. You look great and I loved seeing all of your pictures! So motivational!

:) tj

Anonymous said...

You look AMAZING. Simply gorgeous. And well worth the $200; you deserve it. That's why you're wearing it.

I have the same image problem. I don't think it's ever going away at this point. I don't know if I'll ever see what's really there.

But that's why we have friends, right? To point it out?

Again. You look AMAZING.


Anonymous said...

I have the same reverse body image! What the heck is wrong with us?? You look great! My goal is a size 8, it seems so far away right now. I hope you can learn to see yourself the way we do!

ptg said...

*raises hand*

Another one here with the reverse body image...almost 50lb lost, wearing a size 12 (12!! FRIGGIN' 12!!!), and I cannot accept it for what it is. I still see fat, I still see what needs to be done, I still cannot acknowledge or recognize the greatness that has occurred.

I truly understand what you're saying.

But, I must also add, you look phenomenal in your outfit. :o)