Monday, May 5, 2008
Why Do I Need a Vacuum Cleaner (My Body-Image Just Sucks)
I did some clothes shopping this weekend with my best friend.
I can wear size 16s now, in jeans and dresses. I didn't get another pair of shorts, but I did pick up a cute dress, since it was on sale. I also got some more tank tops (14/16s... time to toss out the 4X I think...) and a blue crochet shrug.
Carol thought I looked great.
I don't know what the hell is going on with me. I've lost nearly 25 pounds, and I hate the mirror now, even more than I hated it 30 pounds ago. (remember, I was heavier last July when I last saw my asthma doctor...)
My fat is doing weird things. Instead of having a fairly smooth "belly bubble" for lack of anything more dignified to call it, I've got two... bumps. My upper stomach, right under "the girls", is noticeably distended. And then I slim down a bit. And then I have a paunch. I've also got some very loose skin around my thighs, but my arms aren't budging a bit. My cheeks have thinned down some, but my double chin (which went away for a few weeks) is just as obvious as it ever was.
I can't figure it out; why is it that the more weight I lose, the more I hate my reflection? I know everyone's talking about how much better I look, and that things are so obvious from the progress pictures, but I can't see it. To me, I look pretty much like I've always looked.
I've started obsessing over beauty-related things that didn't used to bother me. I've bought cream for under my eyes to try to get rid of those puffy dark circles. I've got 2 kinds of skin-cleanser, and a moisturizer for my face, and now that most of my dental work is done, I've started getting self-conscious about how yellow my teeth are. I fret about how many zits I have (You'd think at thirty-six years old, I could stop having the skin of a teenager, really!!) and worry when my fingernails are ragged or dirty.
You know, I spent a week being sick, and the house got somewhat messy while I wasn't doing anything, and despite the fact that I managed to get things back into shape in about three hours this morning, all I can seem to focus on is what still needs to be done. (My desk needs to be dusted, for example. And I really should clean out all the gook that's managed to accumulate in the sliding door track, and Darcy's mirror has fingerprints all over it, and the kitchen floor is in dire need of a good moping, and while I'm at it, the refrigerator is all disorganized again, and...)
This is so STUPID.
I don't know why I can't seem to focus on anything that's good.
I don't know why all I ever do is drag myself down.
One of these days, I'm going to figure out why I am so fucked up.
Don't hold your breath.