Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Now Is Exactly the Right Time

I think, if you've been following along with me for the last year and change, you might have noticed that I don't have a very good opinion of myself.

And you're lucky, because I don't generally give vent to all my feelings of inadequacy. Which generally means you don't have to listen to the slog that goes through my head every day.

It was suggested that I list all my reasons that I feel inadequate, or what I feel that I'm "bad at", so that I could begin working on those areas to improve if I could, or to recognize that I'm self-exaggerating.

I believe if I did that, it would take me all day to write down all the little negative things I think inside a single hour.

If there's an area in which I recognize that I excel, it's in the catagory of self-loathing.

There are very few things I think about myself in a positive light.

I'm a good cook.
I'm intelligent.
I'm forgiving.

Keeping in mind that I tend to qualify and quantify even those few good qualities that I recognize. (Ie, I'm relatively bright, but genius doesn't have quite as many practical applications as one might expect... )

I recognize that I'm being too harsh on myself. I recognize that the way I think and how I react to situations is unhealthy.

I know and yet, I do not feel, the truth of those things.

I'm a big fan of Tyler Durden.

This is your life
Good to the last drop
Doesn't get any better then this
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else
We are all the a part of the same compost heap
We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world

I know that the roots of it started with my parents. My mother, who always held me up short in comparison with other children, who dismissed my interests as wasteful, who blew off my accomplishments as her just-due, and who was constantly reminding me that I wasn't as attractive, thin, or charming as she was. My father, who ignored me unless he was being called in by my mother to add his disapproval to my report cards or behavior.

And yet, while it might have started there, that was the image of me they were selling, I still bought it, made it my own, nurtured this feeling of never being good enough, of always being substandard, second-rate, and barely passable. I bought it. It's been bought, paid for, dusted, and stored on the mantelpiece for display.

It's time to get rid of it.

And like the portrait of Sirius Black's mom, it's stuck to the wall with a Permanant Sticking Charm, and I have my own little Kreachers trying to keep me from cleaning up. They will, I've no doubt, steal things out of the rubbish bin and try to put everything back where it was.

Now is exactly the right time to change.


Natalia said...

I can relate to this post. My parents and grandparents constantly made me feel that I wasn't loved or worthy of being loved unless I was a certain weight. I'm rejecting that idea that was planted in my brain. It's not true. None of it. I'm changing the way I see myself, one day at a time. I tend to have poor self-esteem as well and at times loathe myself...for being imperfect. All things I bought from my parents and grandparents.

Kudo's to you for recognizing all this and blogging about it! Good luck on your journey of self love! :)

Hanlie said...

Oh yeah, now is exactly the right time to start being you and stop being the person everybody always told you you were, or expected you to be... This is so applicable to me!

K @ Running Through Life said...

Please amend you list about what you are good at to include:
being a good blogging buddy and being an inspiration because YOU ARE BOTH!!!!!!!

Lainie said...

Yes, as KK said, you are an inspiration! I think this is a common problem for women, to varying degrees. I am sending you virtual hugs from NY.

Love the Harry Potter references, btw.

Journo June aka MamaBear said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way. 2009 will be an awesome year, I am sure!
Path to Health

Natalia said...

Hey Lynn, you won the bracelet on my blog giveawy!! Congratulations! Please email me at sister at tinahdee at gmail dot com!

* said...

Great post! I have tried the list approach in the past but it is true something happens and the mindset sneaks back in and tries to take root. The best thing so far to turn it around for me has been something a yoga instructor did class. She would get to a point in the poses where she would say to let go of anything that was not serving you. It was always surprisingly a wonderful release. Try to do the same release whenever those negative self attacks start to hit. Nipping them in the early buds. Leaving room for new better sprouts.