Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Post That Was Not

I've been writing a post recently, adding to it, as things occur to me... that I deleted this morning.

You're welcome.

I'll sum up... it was no more and no less than a litany of loathing. Starting at the top of my head and working my way down, it categorized, delineated and defined everything I think is wrong with the way I look. I took a long look at everything that was ugly, fat, flabby, wrinkled, runkled, spotty, splotchy, faded, and hairy...

I sometimes wonder if we all do this; if we all look in the mirror and sum up what we see as, basically, "Yuck."

Then I wonder if I'm the only one out there who loathes everything about herself so completely as to be generally unable to even notice there's a 60 pound difference between what she hated last year and what she continues to hate this year. Seriously. I still don't see anything in the mirror.

Pictures? Yes. I can look at two pictures of myself and see the difference. But I still don't see... me in the mirror. I see a collection - a very large collection - of flaws.

But really, what's the point in reiterating all of it? At the best, people will assume I'm fishing for reassurance and shower the comment sections with compliments. (Honestly, while I thank every single person for any and all compliments, I have a nasty mental habit of compliment-bashing. "Oh, Lynn, you look so nice..." Nice for yard trash, maybe... "That dress looks really great on you." It looked better on the hanger. "You have really lovely eyes." Have you had your glasses checked recently?) At the worst, someone will take me aside with that "I'm very concerned" look on their face and suggest that really, I need some intense therapy. Trust me, I know that.

As far as I know, there's no solution to it. I just have to work it out myself. I know, and have tried, the various stages of self-love and self-acceptance... I just haven't had that light bulb moment. And until I do, I don't really think there's much anyone can do to help.

I thought about making the post anyway as a symbolic throwing away of old ideas and old thoughts and trying to find new ones.

But really... when your cat vomits up on your carpet, you don't need to keep it on display to show how nice the rest of the carpet looks.

So, I'm not going to say it.

And I'll try not to think it.

Much.

12 comments:

Jeanne said...

Lynn, as a friend, I really wish you didn't have to try... but I appreciate that you *are* trying. (Sometimes very trying... no, no, kidding. Mostly.)

But seriously... know that you are loved despite (sometimes because of) your flaws. :)

jen said...

I am right there with you! I hate mirrors and cameras. I always think about my flaws. Whether you have flaws or not, you are working to better yourself. Some days this is enough for me and other days I just don't go near a mirror.

Lost Half of Me said...

I think we all have those days...days where we look in the mirror and just don't really like what we see, wish we could magically click our heels together 3 times and go back to a time in our lives before we abused our bodies and stretched them all out of shape. I have reached my goal weight, and in general, I love the way that I look now. However, like you, I still can look in the mirror and find things I don't like. I try to concentrate on the positive things however...no I hate that my upper thighs don't look all tight and gorgeous....I hate that my tummy isn't as flat as I'd like...but you know what, I have to remember that I'd rather have those issues than still be carrying around an extra 150 pounds. I have accepted that I will never be perfectly happy with my body and its my own fault due to way too many years of being overweight, but I have come to love myself regardless and find pride in the accomplishments of losing weight and getting healthy. I pray that you will find that same love and acceptance as you continue on your own journey. A 60 pound loss is a HUGE accomplishment...focus on that and the other pieces will fall into place.

MizFit said...

Ive read your post a few times and yet get all fingertied when I go to comment. so many thoughts. so many things I wonder if it's ok I say.

all I really mean is I PRAY you see yourself the way we see you.

some day.


Miz.

ptg said...

This post sums up my thoughts as well.

Exactly, word for word, with how I wish I could write to explain what I see.

Maybe one day we'll see what others see, but until then - let's just the voice to STUFFIT.

Diana said...

Thanks for visiting my place. Llama, fed. 100 x over. Here to stay. Trying to kick her out...someday I may have a "normal" life again. How would that feel? I can't remember.

I feel your way sometimes. Some therapists work (hey...I'm a psych PhD student...need to back up my bretheren), but if you think you can do this on your own then good for you! I hope it works...you deserve to see yourself as you are. We all have times we feel like that though. I hope you have days where you can see good.

Anonymous said...

It took me several years after losing the weight to look in the mirror and really see what was reflecting back at me -- the light bulb moment, as you said.

I think what helped me, other than time, was looking in the mirror from the neck-down and pretending it was another woman -- what would I have thought about her body? Since I'm much harder on myself than on anyone else, I started realizing that I looked pretty good.

I know you'll get there. Best of luck to you.

Mary

Tina said...

I love the name of your blog! :)

Charlie Hills said...

Good cat analogy...

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Self-acceptance is a long, long journey. Not being happy with the physical self is a reflection of many messages given to us women by society, parents, lovers and others. I'm 67 years old and there is no way in heaven I could ever meet society's standard for beauty. So I don't focus on that anymore. I'm just happy to be clean and neat. My goal for losing weight is to have less pain. Years of excess weight leads to terrible arthritis when one is older. I'm just starting back to WW again. One day at a time!

pantrypuff said...

Yep, I totally understand. All I see is my big fat stomach and horrible cellulite. I try to focus on my hair. I like that :)

Cammy said...

I feel your pain. All this work...and while I wouldn't take a single pound back, I wish the whole package looked better. I'll keep working on it (both the acceptance and the continued improvement), and I hope you will, too!