Monday, December 15, 2008

Breakdown

There is no sense in pretendin'
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin' like I do
We've said all there is to say

Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night

Breakdown, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

So, I made it nearly a year before having a complete and total meltdown about this whole lifestyle thing.

Last year, I shipped out chocolates and cookies to a few of my warcraft guild members (I made tons of cookies and chocolates last year, and I really like making chocolates. It's fun and sort of artsy and I feel creative and talented while I'm doing it...) and this year, talking with one of those people, he offered me a rather large sum of cash to make gift boxes for his employees. He's a lawyer and has a crapton of legal assistants and whatnot... so, despite some misgivings, I found myself dragging out the chocolate molds and the melting wafers...

I made several batches of chocolate without too much trouble. I counted 2-3 points a day for various amounts of licking my fingers and really wasn't feeling too bad about the whole thing...

And then came...

Thursday, it rained so hard that you'd have expected to see Noah somewhere out there with his cubit-stick, measuring wood... we didn't get in our long walk. Darcy was being a society-menace... actually, she's really not, but my god, the girl can drive me up the wall. I'm really not a very good mom... it doesn't take more than about 2 "Why" questions before I start making shit up improvising. "Why do leaves fall down?" "Because no one gave them licenses for hanggliders..." I forsee many, many trips to the school next year to talk with the principal about my deranged child... (she also likes to talk about squirrels who are blowing up school buses...)

I'm trying hard to finish up these boxes to get everything shipped on Monday so I can spend KC's money with impunity and Darcy's being a serious pest. She's not happy about the fact that I won't let her eat the cookies and fudge and chocolates that I'm making, and I've had to tell her five times in the last 20 minutes that these are for someone else and she can't have any...

When it just happened.

I snapped.

Went 'round the bend.

Flipped my lid.

I gave Darcy three or four pieces of chocolate and screamed at her to GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN! And then proceeded to snarf the rest of the row myself.

I do not know how much fudge I ate.

I know I threw a few pieces down the disposal as soon as I realized what I was doing. And Darcy took a few pieces before fleeing to her bedroom.

An 8 x 11 tray makes ~100 pieces of fudge. I know I didn't eat more than one entire row. So, at the worst, at least 2 pieces, and at most, nine pieces.

But still...

I didn't decide to throw myself down the stairs, so to speak. I was good the rest of the day. I compensated. I wrote it down. I estimated on the heavy side.

And yet...

I spent most of Friday feeling like a complete Oinker. I was snippy most of the day. I worked up a good sweat when we went for our Friday walk, pumping my arms and stepping hard down on the pavement.

And then, Saturday came, and it was just... gone. I was still a little astonished by what I'd done, but my jeans still fit. I don't look any different than I did on Thursday. I didn't wait til Monday to get back on the wagon; I went back on right away. I wrote it down. I compensated.

When I show a gain this week, I think I'll be okay with that. And if I lose anyway, I'm not going to give myself the excuse that I can act like this all the time.

Surprisingly enough, I'm okay with it. I did what I did, and while I don't want to make a regular habit of it, it's not the end of the world.

I think that's a non-scale victory.

I accept what I did without beating myself up about it for too long.

Good for me.

12 comments:

Shelley said...

Good on ya for not letting one crazy afternoon ruin an entire year - I know how our diet-enabled minds work - and hey, you're only human and did what pretty much anybody would have done when faced with that much fudge.

I need to take a page from your book.

Jeanne said...

*sneaks in, adds a row of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! after Lynn's "Good for me." and sneaks off again*

(That was a HUGE non-scale victory, IMHO!)

MizFit said...

such a great victory. I read your post title and thought OH NO!! WE SHALL PICK YOU UP AND KEEP YOU GOING!!

but you didnt need that.
you did it for yourself.

SeaShore said...

You'll probably still lose this week. You hauled yourself in very quickly (lots of us would have kept on going!) Congrats!

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Twix said...

They do have a way with pushing our buttons! Glad you were able to realize and make it stop. And I am very happy you have such a great positive attitude towards it. :D

moonduster said...

I had an entire WEEK like that! LOL! Somehow, I still managed to lose weight this week though, and I'm back on track again.

Hanlie said...

Wow, you really are an example! Well done for regaining control so quickly!

Natalia said...

Good for you, you stopped yourself and got right back on track! Yay!!!

Lainie said...

Good job not going on a trip from Crazyville to Guilt City! We all go a little crazy at times and it sounds like you caught yourself in mid-crazy mode.

Marisa said...

Kids will do it to ya! I have DEFINITELY been there and done that! But, you shut it down - AWESOME JOB!!

dietbook said...

Good for you indeed!

It isn't the times when things are easy, or even the times when we sail along with great momentum and slide right past the obstacles, that show us what we're made of, and what we'll be capable of for the long haul. It's the times when we slip, and how we react to that, and what we do with it...to put it in other terms, you took that first drink - but you didn't let it turn into a binge, and you didn't decide you were worthless and couldn't do it anymore. You took it in stride, made a note, learned from it, and got right back in the groove. This is a textbook example of What We're Supposed To Do when these things happen! But usually we Don't Do It. :-)

That's huge, Lynn. Really. One of the most common things that makes us fail at this pursuit is the "all or nothing" mentality - I screwed up, I might as well just keep screwing up until I feel like being good again.

You were tested, and you passed with flying colors. [And I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...but I want to say it all anyway, because you deserve lots of pats on the back.] I'm so proud of you! And you're such a great example to me...which I need, I really do.

And you are too a good mom. You're probably not perfect. That's okay...who is? Your daughter's going to have an awesome, snarky sense of humor, an active imagination, and a powerful and agile intellect. Just like her mom. :-)

V.