Monday, January 11, 2010

Not There Yet

About a week ago or so, a group of us went to see Avatar 3D... (If you haven't seen it, you should go. Not for the plot, which is ridiculously Ferngully/Dances with the Wolves/Last Samuri-ish... but because the 3D effects are brilliant. Even if, honestly, I'm getting a little sick and tired of 3D. But that's another story...)

Anyway, somewhat after the movie, me and Leslie were discussing the costuming, and she mentioned that she'd like to dress up like Neytiri.

"You realize she's mostly naked, right?"

"Well, she's wearing those boob-things."

"She doesn't really have boobs."

"Well, really," Leslie continues, "I'd just like to be that comfortable with my body."

Thomas adds, "Hey, I'd like to be that comfortable with her body."

I shrug. "I don't think I would."

I get a pair of blank looks, so I expand. "I mean, I don't want to be that comfortable with her body - " Thomas and I, you must understand, have this semi-joking agreement that if we're ever in a situation where we can't reasonably be expected to be faithful, it will be forgiven. Now, the chances that either of us are EVER going to be in a situation where we've got the opportunity to bang a celebrity are so low, I don't think it's something even my mutant worry brain can latch on to as something to fret over. "Well, seriously... would you be comfortable with YOUR body, next to hers? Would you really want to have sex with that woman, knowing she's perfect and you are... rather less than?"

"I'd like to find out," says Thomas.

"I know I wouldn't be," I said. "It wouldn't matter if Oded Fehr were here this exact moment and wanted to take me to bed. I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't be comfortable enough with myself."

Leslie gives me an exasperated look. "I'd think by that point you'd be enjoying yourself too much to worry about it."

"I'm not in that place yet," I said. "I really wouldn't. Hell, even with Thomas, who was perfectly happy to have sex with me when I was 220 pounds, I worry now, during, what he thinks of how flabby and nasty I look, and I can mostly push it aside, but it's always there. With someone who was perfect... I really don't think I could do it. I wouldn't enjoy myself. It would be mortifying."

"You are weird."

Well, yes. I've been told that before.


Natalia said...

I sooo get it. I can't even enjoy my dreams. I had one recently about a certain celebrity hunk and while I'm trying to enjoy it my brain is saying, you KNOW this would NEVER happen. Hello, you're fat! Can't even enjoy my dreams!

Anonymous said...

Hi There! Just found your blog... wow... does so much of what you've written sound like my life!

"That place" Sheesh... I waited to get to "that place" for 7 years after I lost bunches of pounds.

I never managed.

Then 5 weeks ago I got a tummy tuck to get rid of the extra skin.

I am all over "That place" now. It took about 2 weeks for me to get used to the change and now I can't imagine why I waited so long.

Love the blog - will be back!

Miz said...

I laugh that I think Im just....too ready for oded? :)

and to see this movie.

why does it seem soooo long to me...havent gone yet and the husband is LONGING to go.