That's It, I QUIT

Before you panic, or send out the Intervention Police.... relax.

I'm just quitting in the attempt to lose more weight to see a goal number that I'm not going to reach.

I'm well within my band (Weight Watchers pegs me at an ideal weight of 113 at the lowest to 141 at the highest, so 134 is towards the top end of the middle) and have been for quite some time. I hit 140 pounds in the end of April, which put me at "normal" weight on the (oh so infallible...) BMI scale.

Ok, so when I started this journey, I wanted to around 93-94 pounds. I've lost 85 and a half.

I'm at a normal weight BMI (and since I'm NOT a hyper athlete and do NOT have dense bone structure, I'm going to go with BMI as a rating since I don't know a better way to do it, since at 5'3", I don't want to weigh what COSMO thinks I should, which is like 90 pounds for your first five feet and 5 pounds for each inch after that, which would have me at 105, and that is just too damn skinny for me, thankyouverymuch.) for my height. Something like 23.6. (The Wii Fit tells me that people with a BMI of 22 are the most healthy, but ya know, the Wii Fit can insert some unpleasant things into its battery compartment.)

I'm certainly physically fit. I can do 100 pushups, 200 squats, bench press 75 pounds, do 190 situps, walk 18 miles, run 1 mile, go for over an hour on the elliptical at a pace of 144 strides per minute, do two assisted pullups (my friends from New Jersey keep insisting I try it whenever we're at the gym at the same time, and they help... I wonder sometimes if it's because Paul likes to put his hands on my legs... ah well, whatever, it's kinda fun anyway...)

I'm in a size 6 (or a 4, depending on the cut of the clothes.) When I started this and "mathed it out", I was prediciting I'd be in a size 8 when I reached goal. I don't mind being a size 6. My shirts are mediums and smalls. My dresses are mediums. I look good in my clothes. I'm wearing high heels for the first time... well, ever, really. My shoes are a size 6.5.

What more do I want out of this whole weight loss journey?

The things I want; to feel good about my body, to have a flat stomach, and to not slouch over like my grandmother (and father), are not things that I'm going to achieve by getting to some idealized waist size, or scale number. Those are things I'm going to get by toning, practice, and well, just stopping being such a self-hating pain in the ass.

Also, I'm stuck.

On June 15th, I weighed in at 134 (with a huge, five pound drop...). Yesterday? 133.4. That's right. In the last eight weeks, I have lost... a whole, whopping .6 pounds. I go up, I go down. I lose a pound, I gain a pound and a half. I lose half a pound, I gain .4. I'm tired and annoyed and frustrated. I'm tired of hating myself for every little splurge and bite of food that I eat.

(And it's NOT like I'm splurging on a bag of chips every day... this week's treats were; 7 fried cheese sticks, a piece of pita bread, half a pint of hot and sour soup, and 3 mushu pork rolls... That's. IT. On top of that, I gave blood, so I should have LOST a pound this week... I mean, really, they took a pound of fluid out of me, I should have lost weight... and I didn't.)

So...

I was joking with my weight loss leader last night... the rules for getting to Lifetime is declaring goal and then going 6 weeks and being with 2 pounds below or above your goal weight. (Which means in the next six weeks, I need to weigh between 132 and 136 pounds) So, my joke was that after having been 8 weeks at almost exactly the same weight, declaring maintenance would cause me to unexpectedly drop 5 pounds and I'd have to start over.

This... would not bother me one bit.

I am healthier. And while I know, I know, I know... this journey is about health, not about my shorts size or some imaginary number on the scale, I do feel slightly stung about giving up, nine pounds away from my goal.

And yet, it's time to get the hell over myself.

I have achieved what I set out to achieve. I am healthier. I am at a lower risk for breast cancer, diabetes, and other health complications. My asthma is well under control. I am in a normal weight category.

I am done.

At least with this stage....

Next station; Maintenance.