Road to Nowhere

Well, we know where we're goin'
But we don't know where we've been
And we know what we're knowin'
But we cant say what we've seen

- Talking Heads, Road to Nowhere

I don't know if anyone else has noticed how badly my motivation is flagging... I haven't been really good with journaling, even after making my huge rant-o-rama last week about it. My workouts have fallen by the wayside. I managed to get another shin splint, so I haven't been running, and I've been seriously considering giving it up for a while until I lose some more weight, because I keep hurting myself. I mean, there's a difference between "Feel the pain, feel the burn" and "damaging oneself."

I haven't been blogging as much, either... nothing to say, really.

I skipped my 20 and 25 pound rewards. I couldn't think of anything that I wanted. I did buy myself the 30-pound reward; I got myself some a Vanity Flying Mount in Warcraft; which is to say, I spent 1,600 gold on a flying mount. (Ok, so now I have three epic flying mounts... but I really like the hippogriff....)

I'm not even entirely sure what my problem is. Ok, let me rephrase that... I know what my problem IS, but not where it's coming from. It's not like I've plateaued or am gaining instead of losing. Things are going really well, weight-wise. I even had a loss last night, which I wasn't expecting. Last week, we weighed in a day late (closed for Memorial Day!) and earlier in the day... and I lost big last week, almost 4 pounds. This week was 1/10th of that (.4 pounds for the mathematically disinclined) but really, I can't complain about it. Well, I suppose I could, but who wants to listen to that... Weighing in for six days instead of seven, and post-lunch rather than post-breakfast makes a big difference, I expect.

(Thomas, on the other hand, had a similar loss last week - weighing in a day late, earlier in the day, and wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and sneakers, instead of his business attire - which includes a pair of very heavy shoes. And then this week, back in his normal "weigh in" clothing, he had a 1.4 pound gain... I think what happened was more like he had two losses of 1.2 pounds or so, and just changed clothes. He says he's "not too worried about it." I love my husband, I do. But sometimes he's so blithely unconcerned about things that it makes me want to scream. For him, motivation isn't a problem. He never had any. He's a slug. He eats what I feed him, he walks when I say we should. I don't worry about him cheating on the diet; that might involve some actual effort on his part. It takes a massive catastrophe or serious dissatisfaction for him to decide it's worth the effort to make changes. Witness his continuing to work at the Evil French Corporation for almost seven years... looking for work is effort. Sticking with a sucktastic job isn't. It's not even perseverance, it's just apathy.)

Okaaaaay... maybe that long aside had some insights in it... part of my problem is jealousy/resentment about my husband and his "yeah, whatever" attitude. I do wish I had that attitude, it'd certainly be easier to not worry about my weight loss, motivation, exercise, am I doing this right, could I be doing better, of course I could be, and I'm not... guilt guilt guilt.

In the end, however, I'm not sure it matters where my apathy is coming from, or that my husband is perfectly okay with his apathy. I'm not okay with feeling this way, so I need to do something about it. Right?

Right.

I feel... like I'm on a long, dry, boring road. There's scenery, yeah, but it's the same scenery that I've been looking at for the last five months. There's no turn-offs, there's no trashy tourist shops that sells cheap, ugly t-shirts and plastic ashtrays, there's no rest stops. It's just miles and miles of flat land, scrubby bushes and the occasional scurrying lizard. And you're out there in the middle of it, hoping to god that you don't run out of gas, or the car doesn't overheat before you get somewhere close to civilization, because it's a bad car ride, but it's going to be a bitchall of a walk.

As we all know by now, I'm not the type to take inspiration from a pithy little slogan. And I'm certainly not motivated by the "I took a walk around the block to conquer that cookie craving" success stories...

While sarcastic, I can be enthusiastic about things. I am capable of motivation and determination and I'm also capable of doing things that I really don't want to do and I hate them but I do them anyway (I could make some snide comments about sex and a particular ex-boyfriend, but that would be rude, and he's not reading this blog to wince about it, so it wouldn't be as much fun...)

The various bits of web-research I've done (because, lo, I am a geek, and whenever I have a problem, google and wikipedia are my friends...) suggest that sometimes motivation just doesn't cut it; and that honestly, what we're looking for when we say motivation isn't really motivation, or inspiration at all, but enthusiasm.

This is my life we're talking about here... I don't expect every day to be a joy, but if none of them are, what the hell am I doing this for?

So...

I'm dedicating June to rediscovering my enthusiasm.

Here are some small bullet points for me (and you! Participation is HIGHLY encouraged!) to think about...

• Interrupting routines
• Always have something to look forward to
• Take a break
• Set small, short term goals
• Get a buddy, or group
• Participate in, or host, a Challenge
• Sponsor a Contest
• Work on Empowering Beliefs

All during June, I will have small, weekly challenges that you can participate in. Guest posts are more than welcome if you want to write one. (email guest posts to tisfan at gmail dot com) Small door prizes will be given out to random commenters during the month...

Let's all help each other make this journey exciting again!