I think Thomas is about two Weigh Ins from hitting me upside the head with something large and heavy. Fortunately for me, I can't be used as a weapon to cudgel myself with - not in the literal, at any rate. I do a perfectly good job at it in the figurative.
My weight in was -.4, which brought my total losses to exactly five pounds. Thomas is sneaking ahead of me, finally. He was down 1 pound which brings his total to -5.4.
I was... eh, ok with this during the meeting. At least I didn't spend the entire meeting trying not to cry, like I did last week.
And I got my little 5 star, which I promptly stuck on my bookmark. (Thomas put his on his Weigh In book, since he thinks the bookmarks are silly).
After the meeting, we went over to the Food Lion to get some more eggs. I've been going through eggs like crazy for the last several weeks. Between my eating an egg almost every morning for breakfast, and Thomas taking a hardboiled one in to work, and about half the time, Darcy wants whatever Mommy's having for breakfast, a dozen eggs are NOT lasting long around here at all.
And Thomas says to me, big grin on his face, "So, better this week?" I opened my mouth to say, "Sure." And just couldn't. My throat ached and my nose went stuffy and I was suddenly blinking furiously.
"Not really, no."
Thomas drew up short. "What?"
"Well, it's like our savings account, you know," I said, trying not to cry there on the sidewalk like a baby. "At the end of the year, we get about seventy cents from keeping our money in savings. It's like... why bother? I can get seventy cents walking along the street and picking up discarded pennies in a lot less time. It might be one thing if I was lying. Or cheating. Or not working out. But I am doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm getting almost nothing out of it."
Thomas glared at me. It did occur to me at that moment that bitching about my five pounds loss, his wasn't all that much more. But I didn't say anything. "I don't know why you can't be happy with what we have," he snapped, then headed into the Food Lion without looking at me again.
The meetings aren't helping me as much as I'd wanted. Part of it is the repetition of things. We're only at our sixth meeting and she's already not telling me anything I don't already know. The other part - the big part - is how much better everyone else seems to be doing. There was an eleven pound loss this week. And a 6.8 loss. And the guy in the back row has lost 35 pounds in 2 months.
I always say I'm not a very competitive person. I don't care for football or basketball or PvP for the same reasons... it's not so much that I wouldn't like to be better than someone else, it's that I know I'm not, and that I can never be. And it's too damn painful to set myself up every single time hoping I'll "win" something, and I never do. (I know, I know. But we're not talking about logic. Or actual. Or reality. We're talking about how I feel, and how I feel seldom has anything to do with logic.)
Logically these are the things I know:
1 - we're in it for the long haul. It's not going to happen overnight.
2 - I've lost a significant amount of inches. Even from when I last posted them. I did them again last night (since it was my one month marker) and what I got was this: Arm: 12 3/4 (down 2 and 1/4 inches total) Waist: 43 1/2 (down 2 1/2 inches) Hips: 49 1/4 (down 2 3/4 inches) and Thigh: 24 1/4 (down 2 3/4 inches)
3 - slow losses are easier to keep off
4 - Any dramatic weight loss I had is over. I started eating better in November without weighing or measuring, so whatever dramatic loss I might have had, I won't ever know it, or see it
5 - being angry and upset isn't helping anything. all it's doing is making Thomas mad.
I really do wish I knew a better way to keep my spirits up about this. I feel so good during the week, and as soon as I step on that scale, everything else is unimportant.