Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Now If I Only Knew What That Was...

I swear, the scale is a crafty enemy.

Day before yesterday, I rather firmly told myself that I would be happy with any size loss, or maintenance. That all this moping about (or moping but trying to be a little more quiet about it) was unacceptable, and just making things harder for both me and Thomas. I spent two days prepping myself, roleplaying inside my head as to my reactions. I practiced for everything from a no gain-no loss scenario up to a possible .8 pound loss. I even considered a gain a few times...

(Does anyone else have a problem with internal roleplay getting out of hand? I've found myself occasionally practicing what I would say or do if my daughter died in her sleep when she was a baby, or what I would do if Thomas got killed in a car accident, or any number of horrible scenarios. My friend Carol has the same problem. She calls it the Mutant Worrybrain. And the damnest thing about it is that neither of us have ever, ever been adequately prepared for the tragedies that come our way...)

Yesterday morning, I got up and did my little yawn-stretch routine... and I was both astonished and somewhat grouchy about the fact that my undies promptly slid right off my hips into a pile on the floor. The annoying part was that these happen to be my favorite pair; the ones with the little snowboarding penguins on them.

For whatever reason, I became convinced (absolutely convinced, mind you) that I had gained this week. Despite adequate evidence that this was not the case, I began practicing for a gain. I mean, I'd only lost 5.6 pounds in the last 8 weeks, so I don't really have a lot of wiggle room for gaining. It wouldn't take much for me to be right back where I started. And honestly, I don't know that I don't still expect that...

I went about my chores as usual. I did a load of laundry (including previously mentioned pengie undies) and tried not to think about it too much. But I was, even when I was trying not to. I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything yesterday (as evidenced by my half-a-blog post that doesn't seem to come to a satisfying conclusion)...

I watched a new workout video, decided I could not do those little hoppie moves and stuffed it back into its envelope. I did my regular workout, took a shower. I was cleaning in the bedroom a little bit when I found my skecher shoes. I love these shoes, they're entirely cute. I bought them about a year ago, and promptly discovered that I couldn't wear them. The strap that crosses over the foot either wouldn't hold in place, or if I managed to keep it stuck down, I ended up having a huge pressure groove on the top of my foot after an hour. A painfully deep one. I considered throwing them in the trash and then thought I'd see if they still didn't fit. To my surprise, they fit perfectly.

And none of this seemed to be enough. I was panicking badly. I imagined that I'd gained 7 pounds. I actually had a short span of time where I sat on the floor in the bedroom, shaking with a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack in years. (I used to get them rather frequently, and was actually on medication for them because they interfered with my asthma... I stopped having them - oddly enough - after I had one that was completely justified. My mom and I were doing some shopping and an irate customer came in to the shop, yelling and screaming and pushing people and threatening the manager of the store. It seemed that my imaginary panics were not even close to the real thing... and they sort of went away after that.)

By the time Thomas got home from work, I'd affixed my Lee-Press-On Smile firmly into place. I promised that I'd work on my attitude, and while I wasn't doing a great job internally, no one needed to know that I was in a bad mental place.

We went to the meeting. I'd brought a bottle of water with me - did you know you can't cry while you're drinking? I wonder if this is why British ladies press a cup of tea on anyone who's upset.

Thomas did his weigh in. He's down another .8 pounds, which seems to be his usual.

I got up on the scale.

"Oh! You got your 10 pounds today!"

I wasn't sure what I'd heard... Did she actually say I gained 10 pounds? What? "I what?"

"You're down 4.4 this week," the receptionist said. "Good job."

Blink. Blink.

"Oh. Good." Queen of understatement here. "Holy crap."

I didn't really pay attention to the meeting. The population of the meeting was pretty sparse anyway (it being a holiday) so the long silences after the meeting leader asked a question were particularly obvious.

During the meeting, I was practicing how I will react next week. When I gain it all back.

Argh. What the heck is wrong with me?

I did something right.

Now if I only knew what that was....

15 comments:

HappyBlogChick said...

The scale is a crafty enemy? You lost 4.4 lbs! It sounds like the scale is your friend, at least this week. :-)

The internal roleplay thing is tied into anxiety issues ... I do it to, as does my brother, as does my mother ... ahhh, family fun!

Congrats on your success. Maybe you got lots of activity points for all the cleaning.

Lynn said...

Of course the scale is the enemy... didn't you see it deliberately undermine all my panicking efforts?

:D

sybil said...

how exciting for you! Congrats!

Oh, our minds are cunning little monsters sometimes..... I am really trying to do positive affirmations and visualizations to reverse my 'normal' negative mind monster.

Carol said...

Haha - you're funny! :) See?You got all worked up over nothing. Even if you DID gain weight, it's not the end of the world. You simply start again. But that didn't happen to you did it. haha :) You lost 4.4 lbs and that is FANTASTIC!!!

The next time you THINK you've gained weight, ask yourself "why" and if you can't find any evidence to support your theory, then you must relax. :)

Great job - keep it up!:)

Beth said...

You followed the plan and it works. Congrats on your loss. I knew you had a big one coming, Way to go!!!

Pattie said...

Wow! 4.4 pounds is an amazing one-week loss. Your body must have been ready to let go of a chunk of weight. I had a WW leader once who used to say that the scale is evil and fickle! It never gives us the loss we deserve in the week we deserve it.

I laughed out loud at your undies falling off you! Great story for you to remember when times get tough!

Congrats, Lynn!

Thinking Thin said...

Great loss, I guess the scale was your friend this week :)

I saw your post on Tippy Toe and saw the "CongaRats". That's what my guild tells me when I level on WoW :). What server you on?

Hanlie said...

Well done! Whatever it was, keep doing it!

I also have those weird conversations in my head!

Thinking Thin said...

Argent Dawn here

Lidian said...

Hey, whatever you're doing, keep on doing it! Congrats!

Cammy said...

LOL This is wonderful! Congrats on the 10-lb mark, oh ye of little faith and baggy drawers.! Here's wishing you another fine week!

Holly said...

what an awesome loss!! And yes, I do understand the thinking out all of the scenarious. I have done it often... one time my daughter slept way later than she usually does. I had myself convinced that she had died in her sleep. I prepared myself mentally to go into her room and find her dead in her sleep. Anytime I see an ambulance, I do the same thing. I imagine it's going towards my house/dad's work/whoever is closest to the direction the ambulance is going and I get myself all upset and crying and freaking out over it. So yes, I TOTALLY understand!! Glad to hear I'm not the only one who does this. Yet, how do we make it stop?!?!

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Girl! You need to give yourself a break and lighten up on your poor nerves. You did a fabulous job this week! All that stress you put on yourself could be counterproductive. 10lbs WAY TO GO! Maybe this week you could challenge yourself to try positive roll playing.

I do that senario roll play thing all the time. I can even work myself up into a pretty respectible crying jag if I really try hard. Hey, what else am I going to do while sitting in traffic? :)

Jeanne said...

*HUG* Crafty, crafty scale! (Trust the undies, tho... pengies never lie!)

I know what you mean-- gearing up to protect yourself from bad news, it can be kinda hard to trust the *good* news when you get it. I assure you, though, there is no Candid Camera in your bathroom. (We use spy satellites for that now.)

Seriously though, I'm SO happy for you, hon! *happy dance*

dietbook said...

Holy freakin' cow! That is absolutely AMAZINGLY awesome! GO you! Honestly, I know we always says the scale just does crazy things sometimes, but you totally earned this. I'm so glad it's reflecting your hard work!

And I'm also glad I'm not the only one with terminal Mutant Worrybrain. :-) I do the same thing, especially for horrible scenarios like someone dying or...whatever. Probably very not healthy, but there you go. I always figure, when something bad happens people always say, "I never saw it coming" so if I plan for it, it won't happen, right? Stupid, I know...my therapist calls it "magical thinking" and tried really hard to break me of it...hmm.

Anyway, I am so happy for you!

V.