Staring at the Floor

[Staring at the Floor, trying to think of a title for this entry is not writing the post, so I'll write, and post, and if this title sticks with it for the entirety of the process, so be it. I hate titles.]

Gary Gygax died yesterday. I know most people don't know, or care much, who he was. But it's frightening for me to realize just how much of a difference he's made in my life; someone I never even met. (Thomas did, though. Meet him, I mean. At a children's fair, when he was about nine.) Now, admittedly, I never did much Role-playing in high school... my redneck town didn't approve of 'Satan's Toys' like AD&D or science fiction, or free thought, or reading, or being smart... (yes, I'm cynical, but I lived in the freaking buckle of the bible belt and got beaten with it rather frequently, so, you know, I'm bitter.) But when I got to college, it started to be a big thing of mine.

I met my best friend, Carol, through a class we had together: Introduction to Mythology. But I wouldn't ever have talked to her if she hadn't been reading a fantasy novel during breakfast one morning and I just sat down next to her and started being a pest. I didn't start reading fantasy novels until after I read The Dragonlance Chronicles when I was 12. The Dragonlance Chronicles were released by TSR (Gygax's company) as part of a novel and gaming supplement set. Even then, we might not have gotten to be close, except we started gaming together after that.

Through gaming, I got into the Sciffy club (Science Fiction and Fantasy Fan Club). From Sciffy... I met Thomas. I met Chris. I met Edwin. I met Toby. (of course, it's not all good. I met my ex-husband, Brent, through gaming. And my ex-boyfriend, Gideon. But hey, we can't all have ups, right?) I knew McKenna, and through her, I met all her boyfriends, including Ed, and then, through Ed, I met Leigh, who's now one of my best friends and definitely a big help to me on my whole diet plan thing - see, I knew I'd get it back to the losing weight thing...)

I play World of Warcraft.... now if there's anyone out there who thinks that Gary Gygax and his gaming system didn't have a huge impact on MMORPGs, please raise your hand so I can shoot you. Through Warcraft, I've met a lot of incredibly wonderful people, many of whom have been supportive of me through this lifestyle change, and during bouts of depression.

Gary Gygax changed my life. And I'm very, very sorry to see him go.

~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~~

Enough about that. I've had some interesting things happen over the last few days that I'm finding to be very exciting.

First off, my friend Summer, who honestly was the first person who really inspired me with their fitness goals and dedication, wrote me an email yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I've had lots of people talk about their fitness regimes or their diet plans, or nag me to do the same. But there's a difference between being a pest and being admirable. My dad? Pest. Summer? Admirable. There's a difference between being a gymbunny (annoyance) and a workout queen (cool). There's a difference between doing something because you want other people to be impressed with you (boring) and doing something good for yourself (interesting). Summer and I have very little in common, aside from both being mothers and being in the same age bracket. She's fabulous and I'm not, she's fit and I'm not, she's fun and cool and quirky... and... well, you get the idea. And while this was sort of daunting at first (seriously, who wants to always feel like they're coming up short in comparison) she does have her problems, and she's very humanizing... I grew to love her entries about her kid (who is also fabulous!) and sort of skipped the entries about the t-tapping or the clothes hunting or the coupon clipping. And then I started reading them anyway... she's got a fabulous (there's that word again!) writing style that makes you feel like you're talking with an old friend over the phone and while you're barely getting a word in edgewise, that's ok, because she keeps making you smile. Anyway... wow, that was a long aside, wasn't it?? Anyway... she's into t-tapp, as I said, and she wrote me an email. She's been following along with my diet and exercise journey, and she's getting a newer version of the t-tapp workout and wanted to know if I wanted her old dvd so I could try it out. I said sure, and when I get it and try it out, I'll be sure to review it here!

Second of all, Scott "Q" Marcus sent me an email. Actually, he commented on my blog the other day, and then sent me an email... I've been reading Scott's blog since I started mine; he's one of the first people who made my blogroll list, and the only person who's had more than a month or two's worth of entries that I went back and read Every Single Entry. He's funny, he's realistic, he's not perfect... I grew up with two perfectionists. "If you can't do something right, don't do anything at all." was sort of the family motto. My father is a nuclear health physicist and while that's a job that doesn't hold much room for error, he took it too far. He expected nothing short of perfect from me, and from my mom, and his idea of that was 'if I'm not complaining about it, I guess it'll do." Can you imagine what it's like, never hearing a FUCKING word of praise, no matter how good you do? He's still fucking like that (sorry for the swearing here, but it pisses me off so badly). When we saw him a few weeks ago, he told Thomas how impressed he was with my weight loss and my dedication to the program and my determination. But didn't say one word TO ME. Somehow, that hurts even more than him not being proud of me at all. My mother... heh, we've talked about my mother, haven't we? Enough said.

Anyway, I was talking about Scott, wasn't I? Anyway, I think he's brilliant. And one of the things that has really struck me about his writing is that he's still human and normal. Those people who 'didn't like those high fatty treats anymore' or 'conquered the cookie craving by going for a jog'? Those people aren't human. I don't know what they are, but they're nothing like me, and I can't relate to them. One of the things I'm so scared of with this diet is that I'll never actually be able to enjoy eating again. I don't, right now, you know? I count everything and I think about everything, and food isn't something to be liked, it's something one has to do, and that's freaking depressing. I'm hoping that eventually I'll relax a little. Scott... after 12 years of maintaining a 75 pound weight loss... he still hears the siren's call of ice cream, or skips out on his jogging sometimes, or wants desperately to order cheese nachos for lunch. I can relate to him. I can understand him. And I can feel inspired by someone who is human and who did it anyway. Whereas I can't always be inspired by someone who'd rather have a carrot than a cookie.

Anyway, in his email, he asked me (and some other readers) for endorsements of his writing that he intends to dot the first few pages of his upcoming books with. (Could that sentence be any worse, grammatically?) So, I wrote a somewhat more concise excerpt of the above paragraph and emailed it back to him. And he loved it and is going to use it! In addition, he's going to send me a complimentary copy (autographed, of course) of his book when it comes out.

So that's really cool, and I'm very flattered. (Provided, of course, I can keep up this lifestyle change and still be doing it when the book comes out, otherwise I'll likely be disgusted with myself and depressed and not want to read it. But that's my problem, not his.)

I've really been surprised about how large (pun intended) this community is. I get support from my SaHM's group at the Weight Watcher's message boards. I get support here, from people who comment on my blog (I love you all! And I always, always visit your blogs in return, even if I don't have time to comment!), from people in the Healthy You Challenge... I'm constantly astonished, and even gratified to realize that I'm not alone, that there are lots of people out there, normal, wonderful people, with whom I can share my successes, bemoan my failures (feedback!), laugh with, cry with... it's amazing.

Even if this is as far as I ever get, it's been worthwhile.

What I've Accomplished in Two Months: A List

• I weigh in 13.2 pounds less than I did on January 3
• I have lost a total of 12.5 inches (waist, hips, thigh and arm)
• I have cut my soda intake down to no more than 3 cans of diet soda per day
• I have increased my water intake to at least 6 8oz servings per day, and usually 8
• I have increased my fruits and vegetables from maybe 1-2 per day to at least 5
• I have become significantly more active
• I can now wear a size 18 pants
• I dropped 1/2 a shoe size, from 9 to 8 1/2
• I can complete a 30 minute workout
• I can do 20 reps of 3 pound weights in a variety of lifts
• I can walk two miles
• I can no longer see my stomach over my breasts
• I can walk down stairs normally
• I can do 15 push ups
  
• I can make good food selections at restaurants
  
• I can help be supportive to other people without losing sight of my own goals

And the year is only 1/6th over.

Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

Kay, Men in Black

HYC and Comfort Foods

Hello fellow challengers,

After doing my new workout, I dragged my very sore ass into Weight Watchers last night. (Ok, my ass is actually sore. We did glute work, as well as reverse lunges, which absolutely TORE UP the front of my thighs...)

My leader, Beth, eyed me dubiously while I was (very slowly) taking off my pocketbook (I have one of those backpack type model purses. Made of leather. From Italy. My dad gave it to me for Christmas and I love it. So does my stepmother. She made a habit of offering me money for it, for about the first eight months I had it... No can do, I love this purse. It's the best one I've ever, ever had.)

"New workout," I said, wincing slightly. "I'm a bit sore."

"So I see," Beth said. "Well, you've probably gained, then, just to warn you. Your body tends to cling desperately to its fat when it's sick or in pain."

"Greeeeeeeeeeeeat," I said, stepping up onto the scale.

"Oh, this stupid machine," Beth mutters, pushing buttons and grumbling to herself. "I never understand this, look at all these little lines? Oh, there, it's cleared up. Hang on, now it's looking at someone else - oh, I think you're going to like this... what? Hang on. Click here, drag that, swipe the card. Ah! Here we go."

The little tag prints out, and she sticks it into my wallet folder. "Very good job."

I start putting my things together and then open the folder. "205. -3.6"

"Cool," I said. "Oh, guess what? Darcy, show Miss Beth your dollie."

Darcy turned around in her seat and displayed her baby doll (currently wearing a purple cap from one outfit and the bright orange set of pajamas.)

"Oh, what a nice doll, sweetie," Beth said. "What's her name?" I grin. She's setting the question up just the way I want. People always ask that question about dollbabies.

"Beff!" says Darcy.

"To be fair," I said, leaning over the counter while Thomas got weighed, "the doll's name's been Beth for about a year, but I thought it was cute."

[Thomas was up .6 pounds this week... of course, he also decided he could journal in his head. And he's gone to bed 2 days now, low on points by 6 - 8 points. Learning experience: He cannot skip points, no matter what. And it's pissing me off because I'm trying not to nag him to eat, or nag him to journal... and I'm trying to keep higher calorie foods on hand so he doesn't have to eat so MUCH in order to get his points in, but it is hard.]

[Additional side note: I did my measurements again yesterday, since it was now 2 months into WWs, so here are my new numbers

Upper Arm: 12 1/4 (down 1 3/4)
Waist: 42 (down 4)
Hips: 48 (down 4)
Upper Thigh: 24 1/4 (down 2 3/4)]

The meeting was fun. It's National Nutrition Month (who cares? We all should. We don't. But we should.) so we went back over the 8 HGs (healthy guidelines):

1. 6 waters per day (not having a problem with this, but I always, always drink a lot. It wasn't hard to sub the water in for soda.)
   
2. 2 (or 3) milks (8oz of milk, or 1 1/2 oz of cheese. I eat loads of cheese, so this is easy.)
   
3. 2 oils (here's my big problem, because I'd much rather eat those 2 points. An oil to me is just empty calories. I'm not less hungry after oils. On the other hand, I don't want my hair to fall out.)
   
4. 5 fruits and veggies (Not a problem. I eat berries and tomatoes regularly)
   
5. Some protein (I usually eat a protein with all meals. Eggs in the morning, tuna with lunch, chicken or beef in the evening.)
   
6. whole grain over white (YUCK. But it just means get your fiber in, and I'm doing that with beans and yogurt, so there.)
   
7. limit sugar and alcohol (I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in months, but that's normal for me, I haven't been a heavy drinker in a long time)
8. take a multivitamin (I take a child's multivitamin because adult vitamins give me a massive upset stomach. Altho I must say that taking a multivitamin as a requirement seems a bit odd to me. I mean, if you're following the other 7 guidelines, shouldn't you be getting in all the vitamins you need? If you're not, doesn't that mean something's wrong? Or maybe I just think too much.)

Anyway, we got home after the meeting and I went to the kitchen to make dinner.

My great grandmother (mom's mom's mom, whom we all called Mimi) used to cook for me and my cousins from time to time. And she always made the same three dishes when she cooked. Goldenrod Eggs on Toast (my mother hates this dish, and always called it Rotten Gold Eggs on Toast, which is actually what most of us call it now, as a joke), Ground Beef a la Mimi, and Kidney Beans and Bacon.

Goldenrod eggs and Ground Beef are pretty much the same recipe: it's a simple flour, butter and spice roux over cooked eggs (or ground beef) served over toast. I'm still fond of both, but Thomas absolutely refuses to eat either (he agrees with my mom on this particular issue), so I haven't cooked them in a long, long time. But Kidney Beans and Bacon is something that he'll eat, and I love it. Kidney Beans and Bacon is right up there with Macaroni and Cheese and Tomato Soup for comfort foods. And I like to eat it because my Mimi liked to cook it, and I loved my Mimi. (She died when I was 13... the summer before she died, she had cataracts and couldn't read anymore. She loved to read. So that summer, in the evenings, we'd go out on the back porch and I'd read to her. I read Wuthering Heights to her. I vividly remember reading the "I am Heathcliff" speech and both of us were crying through it, and I kept having to stop to blow my nose. She put her hand on my shoulder while I read and I felt comfort and strength and love in her gnarled fingers. Anyway, it's one of my favorite books, and it's one of my favorite memories. And if having an old Depression Era recipe for dinner once in a while makes me feel mentally and emotionally closer to a woman who died over 20 years ago, so be it.)

Anyway, the recipe as it was is fairly simple. 1 onion, 1 side of bacon, several cans of kidney beans. Cut the bacon into bite sized bits and fry with the onions. Once the bacon is cooked through and the onions are translucent, drain the kidney beans, add them, and cook covered for about 30 minutes. Serve with buttered bread.

(You can see where this isn't quite Weight Watchers friendly, right? I mean, we're talking about 15-20 slices of bacon.)

I decided to make the recipe yesterday using the turkey bacon that I'd gotten. It turned out quite well, and was 5 points per cup (plus 1 point for 2 slices of bread.) It's still pretty high in sodium, but I don't think I'm going to be able to get around that. Too much stuff has too much salt in it.

It was nice, eating my dinner last night, and thinking back to that long-ago pair, reading a book, as the sun set over the lake, sending spangles of orange darts of light dancing along the walls... I'm glad I can still have it.

If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it...Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.

- Cathy, Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë

New Routine

I started working out a little more than a month ago, on January 25th was my first workout, and here it is March 3. Since then, I've been working out30 minutes at a clip, three times a week, and walking 3 times a week for about 30-45 minutes.

It's no couch to 5K, but it's a start...

I'm not bored with my routine yet, but I did want to go ahead and spice it up a bit, just so I don't get too set in my ways. I've Netflixed a few dvds to check out new routines and programs (sort of a try before you buy kind of thing).

The first one I got was too bouncy. I don't know if I can jump, but I do know that I don't currently feel comfortable trying. I'm not ready to try it yet. I'm still just happy that I can walk down the stairs like a normal person. If the stairs next to my apartment weren't metal, I might try walking up and down them a few times as exercise, but I'm still really in that self-conscious stage, and the stairs make this terrible ringing noise every time someone's on them (I can always keep track of the comings and goings in this complex...)

In any case, I watched and tried the second of three dvds that I've put on the netflix.

This one is a really good workout for the beginner. Don't be fooled by what you see when you sit down to watch it through the first time (I do, by the way, completely recommend watching the moves first, before you try it. This allows you to know how much space you'll need, whether or not you need any equipment, and whether or not the instructor makes you want to throttle her!) These workouts are harder than they look.

Now, that's not a criticism. They're definitely built for the slow learner, and the not-so-coordinated (like me!). Don't give me a bunch of fancy dance moves, I'll just fall over. I'm happy with step touches and knee lifts, especially if you don't get too complicated with the arm movements. I'll make the arm movements as big as you want, just don't confuse me with having knees going one way and arms doing something else entirely! I'm a klutz...

That being said, the workouts are hard. They stretch and tone and pull and push, and believe me, you'll be sweating! So, good calorie burning exercise without the added complication of feeling clumsy and stupid.

Definitely, two thumbs up. And don't forget to breathe while you lift those thumbs!

(As a down side, the dvd has one of those adverts tied into the FBI warning (pronounced fibi-warning!), so you can't just click to the menu. If you run short on patience, like I do, pop the dvd into the player before you go find your workout shoes, so that it's mostly done by the time you're ready to get moving.)

(As a further note, you'll need a set of light weight handweights, 3 - 5 pounds, a chair, and a yoga mat would be helpful. I don't have one yet, and there were a couple places where the carpet underneath me was a hazard. Guess I'll be stopping by the Play It Again Sports store again today. I swear, those guys in there give me some looks, like "what's a fat chick like you doing in here" but one day... I promise you, one day... I'll be that thin, sexy girl who thinks you're an asshole!)