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Just in case you're interested in what I'm up to now, may I present: Paid by the Weird.

Pick Three

Good news.

And Bad News.

HI! Haven't seen you all in a while, how the hell are ya?

Let's start with the bad news.

We all know that I fell off the healthy eating wagon, right? I mean, c'mon, no one here is stupid. When a weight-loss blogger disappears, it usually means they've gained weight and they don't want to deal with it.

I weighed in today for the first time in 112 days. (So says my Wii Fit. It didn't ask me where I'd been, or be snarky, tho, and I'm happy about that.)

I've only gained 2.4 pounds since the last time I weighed in, tho, and that's a really good thing.

On the other hand, say hello to the 150's again. So, I've gained about 25 pounds back in the last ... eh, I'd guess 18 months or so since I really just stopped paying attention. (On the other hand, when I got on the scale this morning, I told myself I wasn't allowed to freak the fuck out unless I was back to the 180s. And I'm not. So I'm not.)

Had a nasty shock at the Old Navy the other day getting new shorts.

Anyway....

Nothing I can do about that now except try to fix it.

I said something to a friend of mine the other day that went along these lines: Keep my house clean / Be a good mom / Watch what I eat and exercise / Be a Good Wife / Write / Have a Social Life : Pick three.

I can sometimes handle four of those at a time, if I give two of them half-priority. Like, be a good mom before 5pm and be a good wife after 5pm.

So... I need to have a sit down with myself and figure this out. Do I need to be less than 150 pounds? Is that absolutely critical? Does my house NEED to be clean? (and bitch, don't even go there. we're not talking about stepford family clean or anything, but generic household chores and getting dinner cooked and whatnot... I'm not ever going to live in a house you could white glove. No matter what else I gave up.) Does my child need a good mother, or can she live with one that's just so-so?

On the other hand...

Concentrating on the other priority in my life, the one I don't talk about much here (keep your eyes open if you care... I may start a blog about that elsewhere)...

I'm now, officially, a published writer.

My short story will be published in the upcoming anthology Steamlust. (I didn't make the name. Personally I liked the working title, Clockworks and Corsets, better...)

It's not a lot. It's one short story.

At the same time, it's everything.

Being a writer has been the one goal I've always had. Never really lost sight of. Wanted. Longed for. Dreamed about.

Finally, a few months ago... I decided to stop fucking around and DO something about it.

And in October, I'm going to hold my very first published work in my hands.

Oh, and before I forget... I'm doing the Susan G Komen 3 day again.

And I deserve it!

I don't know if I've particularly talked about this here before, so I'll go ahead and sum up:

One of my core thoughts in relationships goes along these lines: If you can replace the words "But I love him/her" with "But I deserve to be treated like this," then clearly, there are issues with the relationship.

For example: Boyfriend is cheating on girl. She is unhappy, her self-confidence is a wreck. He either promises to change and doesn't, or basically blows her off with a "well, that's just how it is, baby. You can be with me on my terms, or not at all." She complains to me about it. I suggest that she find some backbone, self-respect, and LEAVE HIM. She says "But... but I LOVE HIM." (Translation: "I believe, deep down, that I DESERVE to be treated this way.")

I do, sometimes, give credence to the fact that you can't always control who you love. But I do believe - truly, and firmly - that what you DO about how you feel is UP TO YOU. You might love him. And he is treating you badly. HOWEVER, you control what you decide to do about it. If you decide that staying with him is the best option, that's YOUR CHOICE. No one else is forcing you to stay with him, be treated badly, continue to feel badly about yourself. (because we all know that in that sort of a relationship, the person on the 'being treated shabbily' end of things quickly stops asking 'what's wrong with him/her that she/he treats me this way' and ends up in the world of 'what's wrong with ME that I can't MAKE him/her act right?')

So, that's my core belief. And it applies to more than just boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. It applies to everything.

My father, for instance, tends to question my judgment a LOT. If there's a subject out there, chances are we disagree. And for a long time, we always ended up in nasty, hateful arguments. Seeing him stressed me out so badly that I'd be a wreck for weeks before we had our visit, and fumingly angry for days afterward. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I had given him power over me, that I gave him the ability to make me crazy, and that I didn't have to do that.

Now, I'll give my father a lot of credit here: we talked about this, and we developed a much better relationship. The key to our relationship is the simple phrase: Do you want to fight about this? If he brings up something I feel strongly about (gay marriage, for instance, is a particularly contentious issue for us.) and it's the middle of Christmas dinner. "Do you want to fight about this?" "Well, no." "All right, then." It's a warning: I'm willing to fight about this issue if you are, but I'd prefer NOT to argue with you about it. We both know the other person isn't going to change their minds, and why disrupt the hell out of Christmas by being mad about stuff we can't do anything about ANYWAY.

I love my father. And I deserve to be treated with respect. He may not appreciate or agree with my beliefs, but he is required to respect my opinions.

And then the particularly hard part: I love myself. And I deserve this!

I deserve to have clothes that help me feel pretty. I deserve to not feel guilty about buying a dress, even if I only "need" to wear it once every few months. I deserve to spend money on myself. I deserve to be fit, and healthy. I deserve the pleasant ache in my shoulders after a yoga workout; I love myself enough to give myself that gift.

I love myself.

And I deserve to treat myself with respect.

Plans and Day Planners

Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you ready or not, to put this plan into action.

-- Napoleon Hill

I love lists.

I love seeing fairly simple tasks, bulleted down a sheet of paper.

There's nothing quite like the simple satisfaction of sitting down, lowering my eyes to my desk, picking up a pen, and scratching something off my to-do list.

I love notebooks.

I love the crisp feel of fresh paper, the smell of pages, the broad white possibility, just ready for whatever happens to come.

I love pens. I personally own more pens than I will ever use. In fact, I have a hard time restraining myself from buying pens.

Do not, if you love me, ever set me loose in an office supply store.

(Did I mention I love post-it notes, too?)

My current favorite pens were a gift from a friend. They're from post-it. Black-inked pens on one end, pink, yellow or blue highlighter on the other, and have a dainty little carriage holder in the cap for tape tags.

Oh, Johnny, I love tape tags!

Yesterday, I got a new day planner.

It's from At-A-Glance and it's quite hideously ugly.

It's orange.

I forsee the purchase of many, many stickers until I cover the entire front and back.

On the other hand, it seems to be perfect.

Perfect is such a terrible word, fraught with disappointment. And yet...


It is quite lovely.

Each day has a whole page set aside for it. I can write appointments on it and still have plenty of space left over for my daily to-do list.

I'm using the HOT section at the bottom to write down my plans for dinner menus and anything that desperately needs to be attended to.

I've divided the pages in half, making two columns. The right hand side is for special tasks for the day (for instance, this week - likely next week, and perhaps the week after THAT - I am reorganizing and cleaning the kitchen. A thorough cleaning!) and the left hand side is for those things that are regularly part of my chores list (make bed, do dishes, plan dinner, swish and swipe the bathroom).

So far, I've done everything on the left side of the page for today.

2010 (the year we made contact?)

Let me 'splain. [pause] No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
-- Inigo Montoya, Princess Bride

Sometimes there's just a bit overabundance of life. You'd like to spread it out, like peanut butter on a piece of bread, so that it's mostly smooth from one side to the other. You don't get a mouthful of plain bread here, and a wadded up bite of nothing but peanut butter there. For one thing, it makes for a lumpy sandwich, and for the second thing... ah, metaphors are over-rated.

My house is finally empty of guests. Thank you.

I got overwhelmed this year - and this year I was trying to "take it easy" for the holidays. Easy seemed to mean that I had four unexpected guests (who let me know on WEDNESDAY that they were joining us!) for Thanksgiving... three guests before Christmas and one after. I only didn't spend time with my dad this year because of a freak snowstorm that dumped more than our fair share of white shit all over everything.

Exciting things that happened this year:

I got a new (to me) car. My husband started riding his bike to work. This meant I could actually leave the house from time to time.

I joined a gym and I take yoga and spin classes semi-regularly.

I got a concussion, hitting my head on a coat-hook. In a bathroom. Seriously, how the hell does that happen?

I broke my toe. Resulting from walking oddly while my toe was broken - ingrown toenail on the other foot. That got infected.

Got bitten by a spider. This *also* got infected.

I had a blender-full of boiling soup explode on me. I got some severe burns, but thankfully my daughter wasn't in the room, so she wasn't hurt as well, and I managed not to burn my face. It cost me a great deal of pre-holiday planning time (I was still in bandages and on pain medication for Halloween and I didn't start really feeling like myself again until halfway through November. As a result of all these annoying injuries, I named November "No Injuries in November" and astonishingly enough managed it.)

I've gained about 15 pounds since the beginning of 2010. This 1) puts me firmly back in the overweight category and 2) has pissed me off so badly that I did the most stupid thing possible, which is to say, I said Fuck It, I'll worry about it later. Yes, it's later, now. That being said:

I've decided to do the 3-Day again this year. 2009 was a banner year for me, and the 3-Day was definitely part of it. Also, apparently if I don't have a crazy goal to work towards, my work-outs fall off alarmingly. So, if you want to donate, please do.

I can't really think of anything else at the moment. It's been a bland, slip-sliding sort of year, and I'm just as happy to have it behind me.

Hope it's a better year.